Not Looking For A Pen Pal

I’ll be damned if someone talks to me for more than a few days on an app without asking for my number or if they text me more than 10 times without asking me out. Now I may be in the minority, but when it comes to talking or texting people I’ve met on apps, I hate it. I mean sure, I love when you have a good banter or conversation, but only after I know this is going somewhere (and I literally mean at least a first date) and is not a waste of time.

Yes, by all means send a good opener, conversation starter, cheesy pick up line, whatever. However, I will no longer let a conversation go on much longer than without any promise or indication that we’re going to meet. If I’m enjoying someone enough after 5-10 messages back and forth and they have not asked for my number, I’ll begrudgingly take the lead and give it to them, but place it in their court. Maybe just a quick, “Text me if you want to grab a drink this week” and I leave it at that. Half the time, people will say “Yeah definitely!” and never text or continue the conversation. There, I caught them. No intention to meet and I saved myself from possibly many more stupid hours of talking to someone you’ll never meet.

However, the other half that do text, I’ll probably only meet 1/3. Once I’ve given them my number and explicitly stated, “let me know if you want to meet,” at this point, I’m looking for a date. The 2/3 I do not meet go something like this:

He’ll text something like, “Hey it’s John, how’s your day?" Cool, we’ll BS about that for a while, maybe ask about what we do for work, where we’re from, siblings, etc. Well shit, that was going to be the first 20 minutes of our date… Well at this rate, what are we going to talk about? You talk every day for a few days, about what you did this weekend, what you’re doing today, what you ate for lunch….. at this rate you know everything about their lives but there’s no promise of meeting. You might suggest grabbing a drink (AGAIN). Well, schedules are tight this week, so we plan for next. Ok no one follows up but there’s still some “how was your weekend” nonsense. Eventually you realize you will likely never see this person yet just spent weeks learning about their life and telling them all about yours. WASTE OF TIME. Hence, why I hate texting.

Just ask me out, make a plan, and meet.

If it goes well, then sure we can text a bit after, but I’m still not sold. I won’t actually save someone’s number until 2-3 dates in. Even after a successful first date, you’d be surprised how many fall into the category I outlined above or fall off the face of the earth. So no, I will not invest a ton of time talking to them. I am a huge proponent of momentum. Unless we have clear plans to see each other again in the future, no, I do not want to hear about your stressful day or weekend.

It can be super fun to be “talking” to someone. It’s fun if you vibe via text. Sending gifs and memes is a love language in itself. I’ve just never really understood the texting for weeks thing but never meeting. Even if you’re only looking for something casual, news flash — you’re going to need to meet in person eventually. Plenty of women want something casual as well, but I think most of us can agree we did not sign up for dating apps to get a lame pen pal.

Lauren Nopar